Australian Open 2026: Nick Kyrgios horror show as grand slam lacking box office

While always enjoying immense cache - and the privilege of somehow legally charging $23 for an Aperol Spritz - this year our local grand slam is a joyless chore lacking in box office and biff.

Where’s the personalities and the rivalries? What happened to the argy bargy at change-of-ends, and more importantly, those crazy Russians?

And where’s the steamy nights when Lleyton Hewitt and David Nalbandian would spit at each other deep in to baker’s hours?

With the top seeds as clinical as their tedious press conferences, the Aussies toppling like dominoes and Tony Jones yet to upset the Serbs again, there’s a serious risk Melbourne Park could break out in to a meditation camp.

In fact, the whole shebang peaked before it even began when local punter Jordan Smith pocketed $1m in the One Point Slam, leaving interest in the actual tournament barely hemmed together by celebrity buzz and Alex de Minaur.

Further compounding the drudgery, all the cheeky antagonists are sadly mellowing out.

Novak Djokovic has de-soured and Daniil Medvedev is so far off his vintage he’s been highlighted by Martina Navratilova on the Tennis Channel for looking “really relaxed” and not “mouthing off at the coach.”

Yep, tennis is in shambles.

But the fact we find ourselves at our local grand slam craving a sweetheart, a showman or even just a sh*t show isn’t an indictment on the game ... it’s an indictment on us.

For too long this country knocked and nitpicked Nick Kyrgios when he was the best thing to happen to the game since tennis balls replaced leatherbound cat fur in 1870.

The fiery Canberran ignited every venue he graced with his thunderbolt serves, ferocious returns and cheeky backhanders, plus he played bloody good tennis too.

And while he may be past his best as an injury-prone 30 year old ranked 1277 in the world- the Australian Open desperately needs him.

Kyrgios may have barely picked up a racket in the last 12 months, but this congested grand slam needs him like a stent to surge into the second week or even just bow out in the first round with a handful of code violations.

Of course, this will sound hypocritical considering we’ve spent most of his career blaming him for failing to adopt a better attitude and a less baggy pair of shorts.

But it’s time to fess up: this is our fault.

We took Kyrgios at his peak for granted and let our pearls get in the way of a genius entertainer in his pomp.

And sure, while he’s still playing doubles, let’s be honest: nobody’s watching doubles.

However, fans who did tune in Thursday night to witness his first round defeat alongside Thanasi Kokkinakis were treated to a mini snack pack of Kyrgios’ that only twisted the finger in the national wound.

Combining his heavy serve and languid ground strokes with obscenities and a smashed racket, the showman dished up more entertainment inside two hours at Kia Arena than the rest of the other mugs could in a fortnight.

But fair to say, many will argue it’s not just Nick blowing his top that makes an Australian Open memorable, and they’re probably right.

A handful of Aussies captured national attention in the early rounds, while Stan Wawrinka and Naomi Osaka did the same by drinking a beer and dressing like a jellyfish respectively.

Aryna Sabalenka continues to be a charming crowd favourite, while Polish number two seed Iga Swiatek can always be relied upon for a triggering antic or two.

Plus there’s a guaranteed Carlos Alcaraz and Jannik Sinner final to come, a pair developing their own worthy rivalry after locking horns in the last three majors, but it won’t be enough.

Take nothing away from this pair, but today’s crop is so charismatically short of the Big Four years that Sinner served time for a drugs violation and he still doesn’t incite the masses.

Yep, the draw may be brimming with top seeds, but in Kyrgios’ absence it’s all ‘number ones and twos’- and that’s why we need him back.

Sure, the odds of a thundering resurrection from the former Wimbledon finalist are as low as returning a wide serve around the net post with a fork, but there is no other option.

Nick, we know you’re banged up.

But for the sake of our summer staple, can you please come back and blow away a seed on centre court while arguing with your brother in the coaches box before charming us in your presser with a take on Hawkeye or modern Australia.

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