Erling Haaland has 13 goals but Man City 'do not create enough chances'

When Erling Haaland is not showing his ‘true colours’ by taking a bath, he is somehow scoring 13 goals despite Man City lacking creativity.

It just shows that you can see what you want to see. And one man has seen that Haaland is starved of service.

Let’s translate

‘Arsenal face title race reality with Liverpool and Man City point proven as top three begins to take shape despite indifferent form’ – Mirror.

Translation: Arsenal, Manchester City and Liverpool are now the top three. You’re welcome.

Who is winning the Premier League this week?

There’s some tremendous clutching of straws as Arsenal actually widened their lead at the top of the Premier League, with a four-point gap becoming six points after a routine win over Burnley. They have conceded three goals in 10 games, FFS.

‘Gary Neville makes fresh Liverpool Premier League title prediction after Arsenal win’ is the headline in the Evening Standard, while the Liverpool Echo go with ‘Gary Neville makes new Premier League title race prediction after Liverpool statement’.

Sorry but does he f***.

Neville has quite famously predicted an Arsenal Premier League title win in each of the last three seasons and he is not remotely changing his mind now. There is no ‘fresh Liverpool Premier League title prediction’; Neville has simply repeated himself in saying that “Arsenal would have to beat themselves not to win it”.

As for Liverpool…you will be shocked to learn that actual champions Liverpool are the “only team” who could take advantage if Arsenal somehow f*** it up.

It’s fresh. It’s new. Oh wait, it’s nothing of the sodding sort.

Haal of a struggle

Very little from the Daily Telegraph‘s Jason Burt about the boring sh*tness of this Premier League season after he watched Manchester City beat Bournemouth 3-1, with City not scoring a single set-piece goal.

But we are treated to this nonsense:

Can Rayan Cherki be Manchester City’s new Kevin De Bruyne for Erling Haaland? Cherki provided two assists for the phenomenal striker, as City beat high-flying Bournemouth, and also provided some compelling evidence that he can fill the creative gap left by De Bruyne’s departure.

Haaland will certainly hope so. As well as he has linked with Phil Foden, he needs even more ammunition – City actually do not create enough chances for him – and Cherki appears capable of doing just that.

Sorry what? ‘City actually do not create enough chances for him’?

The player with 13 Premier League goals who has had the most shots by far with the biggest cumulative xG by far in the Premier League? That Erling Haaland? Starved of service, is he?

City have created more Big Chances this season than any other Premier League team and of the 10 biggest chance creators in the Premier League this season, City have players at 4) and 5) in Jeremy Doku and Phil Foden.

And you think ‘City actually do not create enough chances for him’? Statistically, the chances they create for Haaland have increased in value from 0.72 xG per game last season to 1.07. Indeed, you could argue that City are now playing very specifically to create chances for Haaland. And fair f***s for that.

Cherki is a bloody lovely player but let’s not pretend that 13-goal Haaland has really struggled in his absence.

Oh and Martin Samuel of The Times, let’s not pretend that Declan Rice is ‘most important player in English football right now’ just because you’re a West Han fan. The idea that Haaland is not the man most central to the current form of any Premier League side is ludicrous.

But not as ludicrous as the idea that Rodri only got the credit he deserved ‘when he couldn’t play and Manchester City fell apart’. Ballon d’Or winner Rodri? That Rodri?

But who is Erling Haaland really?

Amid all this hilarious chat about Erling Haaland being a robot, the Manchester Evening News bring us the real man behind the cool facade:

Erling Haaland shows true Man City colours with brilliant update after Pep Guardiola ‘dig’

And how does he show his ‘real character, especially when it is unpleasant’? By posting on Instagram about having an ice bath, of course. That really does expose him as a…man who has ice baths. And it’s really ‘brilliant’, isn’t it?

As for the ‘dig’…you’re quoting yourselves. Nobody thinks Haaland’s joke about fantasy football managers was a ‘dig’. And that includes you. But you signed up for this godawful game of true colours, speaking volumes and ‘digs’.

Actually, we take that back. Here’s The Sun: ‘Erling Haaland strips off for icy plunge in 8C temperatures with his POTM award after cheeky dig at Pep Guardiola’.

So cheeky that he didn’t even mention Pep Guardiola. What a card.

And elsewhere on the MEN: ‘Rayan Cherki helps Man City find two solutions to silly Erling Haaland ‘problem”

Not sure who they’re quoting with ‘problem’ – the word is not used in the actual piece – but we presume that the ‘problem’ is an over-reliance on the goals of Haaland.

We’re not quite sure how Cherki creating two goals for Haaland solves the problem of City being over-reliant on the goals of Haaland, but at least they’re not pretending he has been starved of service.

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