The Good and Not So Good About Australia

MELBOURNE -- I've been in Australia for three days, which makes me an expert on the continent and its culture. Here's the good and not so good about it.

THE GOOD

1. The accent.

It's not like Scotland where people allegedly speak English but the accent is so thick it sounds like another language. I can understand Australians. And their accent is fun. Every vowel is an adventure. It will start with one sound, then slide to a completely different sound in the same syllable. A "knife" isn't just a "knife" -- it's a "knoife." And "no" isn't just "no," it's "noy-uh." These sliding vowel sounds are called "diphthongs," and Australians can't get enough of them. Neither can I, apparently.

2. The coffee.

It's as good or better than the coffee on the West Coast. And it's not served with half and half. They serve it black, sort of like an Americano, or they make something called a "flat white," which is kind of like a latte. Both are delicious.

3. Meat pies.

They're everywhere. You can get a mass-produced, microwaved Four N' Twenty meat pie at a stadium, slather it in ketchup and eat it in 30 seconds, and you won't die. Or, you can get a really tasty one from a bakery and enjoy it. I had the Four 'N Twenty version. It wasn't great, but it did the job.

4. Pot and a parma.

The "pot" is a small nine-ounce glass of beer (small so it doesn't get cold), and a parma is the go-to pub food in Australia. It's essentially chicken parmesan with some ham on it, so it's like chicken parm cordon bleu. It's way better than it should be.

5. Australian Rules Football.

As my Australian friend Stephen Moss put it, "There are 36 punters varying 5”8” to 6”10” running a half-marathon while constantly punting and punching the ball (hand pass) with tackling from any direction. Punt through the sticks more than the other guys to win." All of these players are deadly accurate at punting an oblong ball with either leg. They're ambi-punters. And they tackle each other. It's an old game that meshes unusual skills with toughness and violence. I'm hooked.

6. Melbourne Cricket Grounds

It's where the 49ers and Rams will play, it seats about 100,000 people and the field is a giant oval that is roughly 200 yards long. We don't have fields like this in America. It looks like a battflefield from medieval times. And they sell meat pies here.

7. Patrick Dangerfield.

One of the best players on the Geelong Cats, which essentially is a suburb of Melbourne and is home to my favorite team in the AFL since I learned about the sport two days ago. This guy is 36 years old and he still kicks ass. He took over a game two nights ago against the Carlton Blues by scoring five goals. This was the best performance I've ever seen in my two days of watching the sport.

THE NOT SO GOOD

1. The driving.

Sometimes, I could see myself moving to Australia and loving it. In lots of ways, it's like California. Similar climates and sensibilities. But people drive on the left side of the road here, and I could never get used to that. I would crash my car. I would never even try to learn. I'm too old. I couldn't trust my instincts on the road. Even when I walk on the sidewalk, I create problems because everyone here walks on the left side of the street. I walk on the right side while looking at my phone. I keep bumping into extremely polite Australians.

2. Magpies.

They're these gorgeous black-and-white birds, and they will swoop down and ruin your day if you're not careful. This is what I've been told. They were nice to me, but I gave them distance.

3. The metric system.

I never know the temperature outside or how much weight I'm lifting at the gym or how fast I'm running on the treadmill. Yeah, I work out.

4. The burritos.

As I wrote before, Australia and California have a ton in common. Mexican food is not one of those things. I went to a taqueria yesterday that said it was a Mission-Style place, so I was intrigued. But, the burrito was 50 percent sour cream, and the lady at the register wouldn't give me any salsa to go, which hurt my feelings. Is it because I'm American?

5. Hungry Jack's.

This is what they call Burger King in Australia. Jack in the Box should be furious. I wonder if they even know.

6. Marcus Bontempelli.

He's supposed to be the best Australian Rules Football player in the world. But last night, when his team needed him the most in an elimination game against the Adelaide Crows, he laid a big, fat egg. Scored no goals. Sure, he recorded 27 disposals, not that I know what those are. But he's not paid to dispose of the ball. He's paid to kick it through the big uprights. The Western Bulldogs should trade him before the rest of the league realizes how overrated he is. He wishes he were Patrick Dangerfield.

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